I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
You left your phone here
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