I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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