so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
