How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
