I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
