what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
