You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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