If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
organizing the empties. That sober.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
