we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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