I heard we made out
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize