i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Randomize
