Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
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