i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
