After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
