Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
