She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Randomize