I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
