Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
