You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
