it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
