I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize
