I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
