Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
