i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
