I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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