Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
