I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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