so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
i wish my penis had a tongue
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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