i wish there were pregnant emoticons
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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