what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
The best walk of shames are on the highway
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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