I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
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