I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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