why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
our cab driver is having phone sex.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
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