it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Randomize
