I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
