I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize