I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
