note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
