i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
