My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
