I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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