me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Randomize
