it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
