Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
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