sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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