i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
