saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
