my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize