So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
