im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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