So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
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