headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Randomize
