My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Houston, we have a blender
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
