Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
