I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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