i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
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