God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
