you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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