I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
