The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Randomize
