Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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